"Ride Without A Destination"

In the summer of 2019, I sold my house and off-loaded most of my possessions. I left a temporary, dead-end job, and said goodbye to a handful of people to venture on a minimalist solo off-road motorcycle trip around the world. Stow your envy because this exit endeavor is not a pleasure voyage. This motorcycle escape acted as an emergency-brake, last-ditch effort, to save myself, purge a pound of negativity, and find a life worth living. Fed up with it all, I refused consume one more second of my suffocating circumstances. 

In 2019, I was a paper-thin 2/75th Army Ranger and Blackwater alumni with 22 combined overseas combat deployments who began an uncomfortable writing experiment. I knew I’d be dead within a year if my journaling expedition failed to bring my mind closer to center. Desperate to change the trajectory of my life and find balance, I did something I’ve never done before. 

As a reclusive misanthrope, I began to write and share my thoughts with the world. I purged a volley of seductive rage by finding peace in adventure. I shared thought-provoking personal experiences and outlined hard-earned insight through creative wordplay in an online journal. I wrote as if my life depended on it because every atom in my body knew the dire consequences if I failed to keep my head above the raging white caps.

At first, I desired to go dark and disappear behind my iron sherpa motorcycle. I recognized the warning signs of an out-of-control-high-stress lifestyle accompanied by a decade of unresolved combat trauma. I found myself desperate to disconnect from the world and unwind the cluttered mess of my mind over thousands of miles of grit and empty horizons.

Instead of following my previous ineffective comfort patterns centered on isolation and silence, I did the most uncomfortable thing imaginable. I kept a real-time public journal on an adventure motorcycle website called “ADVrider” and wrote until my fingers bled while I traversed the open road. I will release this book in the same format as my ADV journal; one entry at a time. This will help you understand everything I’ve published is a real-time evolution of Enlightenment. A man will never grow if you judge him on who he was. There is no 'Past.' There is no 'Future.' There is only 'NOW.' 

The traditional use of ADVrider forum is designed for motorcycle enthusiasts to share simple Ride Reports, exchange motorcycle knowledge, and build a community of two-wheeled enthusiasts. I wrote to invite readers to explore their own perspectives and connect with long muted emotions; while I simultaneously saved myself. I learned from my own written words how I draw strength from giving. 

My rigid protection profession suppresses free-form expression and fosters isolation because I often find myself in bed with classified, confidential, or sensitive employment endeavors. Stress injuries from 22 overseas deployments reinforce feelings of disconnect from the bland, vanilla world that engulfs this [former]monochrome existence. 

Despite lackluster attempts to reintegrate with the people I sacrificed my sanity to save, I seldom found a genuine connection to anything or anyone. Empty platitudes and hollow pleasantries mask my madness while I clamor to control my rage. I sought to save myself because salvation can be found within the calm of a quiet mind. 

The dull monotony of a safe ‘normal’ life is a void between my mundane civilian reality and a dangerous life on the edge. My mind fractured itself between two worlds labeled, ‘Here’ and ‘There’. When I’m ‘Here’ I want to be ‘There’, and when I’m ‘There’ I want to be ‘Here.’ Never settled. Never satisfied. Always struggling to survive the incoming wave of negativity and the next lustrous attack against my life.  

To help readers understand the struggles we warfighters battle behind the veil of silence, one must first understand some common values that guide these selfless actions. Never trust a knight with sparkling armor. I prefer my warriors with battle scars to highlight, “we will not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.” 

This journal grants the reader a lucid look into the world of a broken Army Ranger who sought to bring his life back to center while surviving in a world in which he struggles to understand. 

I didn't realize how strange my life is until I stopped to look around. The impact of my words, my unique perspectives, and my authentic writing style created an unexpected positive outcome in the world around me. I found a life worth living and paved the way for trapped souls to find a route that leads to peace.